Perfectionism

The conversation delves into the topic of perfectionism and its impact on self-worth and faith. It explores the rewards and consequences of perfectionism, its roots, and its influence on one's relationship with God. The episode concludes with practical steps to overcome perfectionism and live from a place of 'I am enough.'

Takeaways

• Perfectionism as a form of control
• The impact of perfectionism on faith and self-worth

Chapters

• 00:00 Introduction to Perfectionism
• 07:52 The Root of Perfectionism
• 18:05 Perfectionism in Faith
• 22:53 Surrendering Perfectionism

Website:  www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email:  amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Transcript

Amy Donathan: Hey friend and welcome back to the Counters of the Well. I'm Amy Donovan, your host, and I am so glad you're here today. We are on episode four of the Identity and Self-Worth series, and if you've been walking with me through this, I just want to say thank you and that you're doing something brave because these subjects are pretty heavy. And we've gone to some real places that we all deal with. We started with the naming the comparison trap. the constant measuring of ourselves against everybody's highlight reels on social media and what we see just in that snapshot when we see them at church or at work. Then I sat down with my friend, Jesse, and we had an ominous conversation about body image and aging and what it looks like when your worth is in Christ, when the mirror and culture are screaming that something needs to be different. And last week we pulled back another layer and looked at people pleasing, the exhausting cycle of performing to get approval and thinking that it's love. And then I ended that episode by asking you to name one situation. where you've been people pleasing instead of God pleasing, to write down the fear underneath it. And if you did that, good job, because that takes a lot of guts to be able to look at the things in ourselves that we are sometimes afraid to bring to the light. But today, we're going somewhere that might hit even closer to home because there's a version of people pleasing that doesn't look like people pleasing at all. It doesn't look like weakness. It doesn't look like caving in. In fact, it looks just the opposite. It looks like strength, discipline, high standards, excellence. Can you guess what we're going to talk about today? Perfectionism. And here's why we need to talk about it in this series, because perfectionism isn't really about being excellent. And we'll go into that a little bit later, but it's about being in control. Think of it as people pleasing and overdrive. Fear dressed up as excellence and when we dig in underneath it and when we're honest about what's really driving it, we usually find it is an ambition. It's fear. Fear that if we let go, if we loosen our grip, if we let something be less than flawless, everything is going to fall apart and everyone sees who we really are. That's what we're digging into today. This is episode four of our identity and self-worth series, perfectionism, a form of control. And the question I want us to sit with is this, what am I really trying to hold together? So before we go any further, I want to ask you to do a quick self-check. So if you can think about your last week. Did you obsess over getting something just right? Did you avoid starting something because you're afraid you're going to mess it up? And here's the one that I always have a problem with. Did you replay a conversation in your head and pick it apart and critique yourself? If you said yes to even one of those, you are in the right place. We're going to walk this out together. So think about this. Perfectionism isn't the pursuit of excellence. It's the fear of being less than. So here's the thing about perfectionism. It gets rewarded constantly. The girl who has it all together, she gets praised. The mom whose house is spotless, whose kids are always well behaved, Whose social media looks like a magazine spread, she's the one everyone admires. The woman at church who leads three ministries, never misses a Sunday, never looks tired, never drops a ball. We call her faithful. We call her strong. And she ⁓ is ⁓ exhausted. but she will never ever tell you that. Does any of this resonate with something that you are going through or someone that you know? And think about this, perfectionism has a rule. And the rule is this. You don't get to struggle out loud. You don't get to have a bad day. You don't get to be human. You hold it together. You smile through it. You fix it before anyone notices it was broken. And if you can't fix it, you hide it. It's rewriting that email 14 times before you send it. It's not posting the photo because your hair doesn't look right. It's snapping at your kids because the house isn't clean enough before company comes over. know, baseboards, ⁓ vacuuming places that people aren't even going to go. And then you hate yourself for snapping at them. It's lying awake, replaying that conversation from six hours ago and picking it apart. Everything you said. And then you convince yourself that you sounded stupid. It's the constant grinding pressure of a standard that never stops moving. because that's the thing about perfectionism. It never actually lets you arrive. You never get to be perfect. You hit the goal and then immediately move the finish line. You lose the weight, it's not enough. You get the promotion and now you're afraid that you're not gonna be able to do the job. And there's no rest because there's never enough. There's never perfect. And so as we go through this, there are going to be questions that come up I want you to think about. ⁓ so right now I want you to name a perfectionist behavior in your life. Just pick one. Don't try to pick them all. And I want you to quietly finish the sentence in your head. If I don't get this right, it means I am. So for me in the whole conversation picking apart. I didn't get it right and so I was stupid. whatever you put into the blank, whatever you said that not getting it right, not being perfect means you are, that's the lie and the belief that you are living from. And so that is what we're going after today. And if you are sitting here thinking, but that's not me, it's some I'm just someone who cares about doing things well. And that's awesome, because that's what we're called to do. However, let me just push back on you for a second. There's a difference between excellence and perfectionism. Excellence says, I wanna do my best and I'm gonna trust God with the outcome. Perfectionism says, if I don't do this perfectly, I'm not safe. One is motivated by purpose, the other is motivated by terror. So here's a simple filter that you can use this week. When you feel that that tightness rising up in your body, ask, am I doing this with God or for somebody's approval? to feel loved and Then ask if this doesn't turn out perfect. What does that say about me in my mind? So if the answer sounds like I'm a failure, I'm not enough people will leave that's not excellence talking that's perfectionism and that is perfectionism trying to take the wheel of Whatever it is that you're doing So if perfectionism is the behavior, the thing that we can see on the surface, what's underneath it? What's really going on? Control, which comes from fear. Perfectionism at its root is an attempt to control how people see us, to control the outcomes, to control the chaos. If I can just get everything right, the house, the kids, the marriage, the body, the ministry, the career, then nothing bad will happen. No one will leave. No one will criticize. No one will see the mess behind the curtain. and they will love me. And for a lot of that, the need for control didn't just come out of the blue. It came from childhood. ⁓ Maybe you grew up in a home where things fell out of control, where there chaos, addiction, conflict, instability, unpredictability, and you learned as a child the way to create safety was to be perfect. If I keep my room clean, maybe mom won't yell. If I get straight A's, maybe dad will notice me. If I don't cause problems, maybe everyone will stay. Or maybe it wasn't chaos. Maybe it was the opposite. Maybe you grew up in a home where expectations were sky high and the margin for error was zero. Where you felt that love was something you earned by performing. Where being good wasn't something you were, it was something you did. And you did it. perfectly or you didn't get that love. Either way, the message was the same. Your worth depends on your performance. And that message didn't stay in your childhood. That message followed you into your adulthood, into your marriage, where you can't let your husband see you fall apart, where you are so afraid of how you're parenting your kids, afraid that you might do it the way that your parents did it, afraid that you're going to do something to ruin them. Maybe it followed you into church where a godly woman, being a godly woman feels more like one impossible standard that you are failing to meet over and over and over again. Perfectionism is a child's survival strategy that is still running in your life today. here's a really practical question you can ask yourself. where did i first learn to be perfect? because i that made me safe ⁓ and or loved. now this isn't blaming anyone. this is just connecting the dots from your childhood to what life looks like now. Because until you do that, you can't invite Jesus into your story to help you let go of some of those control issues that you have until you bring it to the light. One of my favorite verses that I go back to and have forever is Proverbs 3, 5, and 6. And it goes very well with my perfectionist tendencies of wanting to make sure everything I say is perfect. So Proverbs 3, 5, and 6 is, in the Lord with all your heart. Be not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. And really this is the anchor verse for this whole episode. And I want you to hear it because it is quoted so often. It's on coffee cups. It's on bumper stickers. pillows. It's everywhere, but I really want you to hear it and really think about what it means. Because if you're a perfectionist, what do you do? You lean on your own understanding. You trust your own effort, your own planning, your own ability to keep all of the plates spinning. And this verse says, stop. Let go. Trust him with the path. Even when you can't see the next step, Even when you can't control the outcome, even when it's messy and uncertain and terrifying. Take that step and trust him. But that's the real issue, isn't it? Perfectionism isn't just a personality trait. It's a trust issue. ⁓ It's saying, God, I you, but I don't actually believe you'll catch me if I let go. And so. ⁓ here's another question for you. if you are sitting in a chair or you're in a car, you believe that the chair would hold you up if you sat in it and you believe that the car would keep you safe as you drove it. because if you didn't believe that, you would not sit in the chair and you would not be in the car. and so we live what we believe. and so when you look at your life, are you living what you believe? do you believe that If you stop leaning on your own understanding, if you stop trying to control everything and you acknowledge God in everything and that is just pretty much giving everything over to Him and saying, okay, Lord, here's what I want to do. But I trust you with this. I trust you in my imperfectness to to come and shine in this. Do you live that way? Is that what life looks like? And so that is what we're talking about. We try to white knuckle our grip on life because deep down we are not sure that God has it. And so the other day I was texting with a friend and we were just talking about her upcoming worship night at our church and I am so excited for her. It's going to be so much fun, but she has some of these worries ⁓ that we have talked about in the past like What if she messes up? What if it's not good enough? What if people don't encounter God the way chips? if the, you know, the sound messes up all of these things that she is trying to control. And as we talked, I talked about how in my speaking that it always humbles me to know that God uses me. And I know that he uses me when I say things that I didn't even think about saying and they just come out and it resonates with somebody. And so I am so humbled by that. But then in that same instant, God also tells me that I am his daughter and he loves doing things with me. Just like when my son was 16 and he said, Hey mom, will you go turkey hunting with me? ⁓ my gosh. My 16 year old son wants to go do something with me or wants me to go do something with him. Absolutely. I will go do it. And I did. And I was so overjoyed and in my brain that helps me to see that when we give our our plans, our lives, our children, our marriages, our jobs to God and say and tell him, I want to do this with you, not to get your approval, that it makes him smile just as much as it did when Sam asked me to go hunting with him. And so it's not trying to get God's approval. It's just doing things with Him and knowing that He is bigger than us and He has a plan. And that's where the shift comes. Because your perfectionism when you are trying to do it all your own says that God is my boss and He's grading my performance. And Truss said, God is my loving Father and He's inviting me to do this with Him and He loves doing things with me. Because we are His. And so one of those postures keeps you tense and keeps you trying to control everything. And the other posture lets you breathe. So here's a question you can ask yourself this week, especially if you're leading something at church or at work. Am I approaching this as an employee trying not to get fired or a daughter who's invited to create something with her father? If the first one feels like that's your. Then no. If it feels like the first one, that's your cue to pause and pray. Lord, remind me that I'm your daughter and not your project manager. Help me do this with you and not because I think I can win your approval. In 2 Corinthians 12, 9, it says, he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. Paul heard these words directly from God and notice what God didn't say. He didn't say, try harder. He didn't say, figure it out. He said, my power is made perfect in weakness, not your perfection, in your weakness. And that is so scary because it's so scary to show people that we can be weak. But how awesome is it that God will come in and He will work in those weaknesses in a power that only He has. And that's where His power shows up is right there. And so every time that you try to do this in your own power. Try to hold everything all together. You are actually blocking what God wants to do through you. And friend, I can tell you that when you let that go, he does amazing things bigger and better than you could ever imagine. But here's where I'm going to be real with you. ⁓ Because perfectionism doesn't just show up in our home and our jobs, it shows up in our faith. And when it does, it's one of the sneakiest, most destructive things I've ever seen because I've seen it in my life. It looks like when I pray that instead of coming to the throne room and having an honest conversation with God, that I look at my prayer journal and say I didn't pray enough. Or when I read my Bible and instead of trying to hear God's word to me, I feel that I needed to read more, that the time I put in wasn't enough. So in my life, the destructive perfectionism comes in my faith as when I pray, I feel like I haven't prayed enough. Instead sitting in the throne room with God and praising Him and talking to Him about my fears and praying for people. Like I don't... I don't do that. think I need to pray more and more and more and I'm always looking at the time or even when I read my Bible instead of hearing what he is telling me. I'm thinking I need to do another Bible study. I need to read more. I need to find a verse for somebody which are all good things, but it takes away from the intimacy that I could have with God because I'm trying to be perfect. And so spiritual perfectionism turns your relationship with God into performance review. Like I want all of the good checks on my performance review. And so sometimes my quiet time feels like I'm failing because it's not enough. If I, if something interrupts me and I have to stop in the middle of my prayer journal or my Bible study, I feel like I'm a failure sometimes, but that's not God. That's perfectionism running the show in my quiet time. So the next time that you notice that happening, literally stop and say out loud if you can, Lord, I am treating this as a test. Help me remember this is the time with you, the father who loves me, not a boss I have to impress. And just so we're clear, ⁓ but he will not shame you. Conviction says, come closer, I have more for you. Or I need to turn you. Shame says, back away, you're a disappointment. Shame is the voice of perfectionism. It is not the voice of Jesus. And the tragedy of this is that it takes the very thing that's supposed to bring you freedom, the gospel, grace, the finished work of Christ, and turns it into one more arena where you feel like you're not measuring up. Galatians 3.3 says, are you so foolish after beginning by means of the spirit? Are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh? Paul seems very frustrated when he was writing this. And honestly, I think if he looked at my life and maybe some of your lives, he would be frustrated with us today. Because we know theologically that we are saved by grace. There is nothing we can do to earn our salvation. If that was the way, that's the way it would have been done. But that wasn't the way. The only way for salvation is for Jesus to have come, lived, died on the cross, and rose again. That's it. That's the only way that our sins could be covered. He already paid it for us. But functionally in our lives, we live like we still have to do our part. We live like God's love is conditional and our worth is tied to our output and our performance. Jesus said on the cross, is finished. Not, I did my part, you do your part so you can like earn all those good telemarks to get to heaven. He said, it's perfect, it's finished. It's not performance. So I want you to remember that. And I want you to keep that in your mind when you are feeling those perfectionist tendencies come out, that you don't have to perform to be loved by Jesus. You are already loved. He sees everything about you, the good, bad, the ugly, and He loves you. And really, again, being really honest with you, ⁓ perfectionism has been one of the hardest things for me to loosen my grip on. I don't want to mess up in therapy, in speaking, in this podcast. I don't want to mess up. That is why I can't watch the YouTube video of me. I can't do it. I had to do a video for the conference at church and I did not watch it. And it was hard to listen because I heard everything I messed up on. and I didn't want to look at how I what I look like on camera and so I don't watch the YouTube video. So that is just being real with you. ⁓ It's hard to loosen my grip on this and not overcome it because overcome is just another obstacle just something else that I could feel it but loosening my grip is surrender. It's just coming to God time and time and time again and saying take this take this take this. And it just takes time. And God is so faithful to meet you right there. ⁓ And know that God is not asking me to hold it all together. I have to trust that when I do the podcast, when I speak, when I do therapy, that he's going to come along and help me because I've asked him to. So he's not asking me to hold it all together. He's not asking me to be perfect at everything, ⁓ not to be flawless. He's not asking me to have every answer. He's not asking me to perform my way into his love. He just wants me to trust him to be enough. and for me to be human in front of him. He's not asking us to hold on. God isn't asking us to hold it all together. He's asking us to hold on to him and to trust his word. Psalm 46 10 says, be still and know that I am God. Be still. Not better. Not more. Not perfect. Be still. This is hard. because as women we are always thinking. Men have nothing boxes where they really think of nothing. Women, don't have that. We are always thinking and one thing will lead us to another thing will lead us to another thing will lead us to another. We're always thinking about how we could do it better, what we did wrong. And so stillness isn't fixing anything. It's not controlling anything. It's just being with God. And to do that, it's just handing it back to them. him every time that you try to take the reins again and try to make everything perfect and feel like everything needs to be perfect. It's just handing it back to him over and over. So I want to give you three a three-step way to try to walk this out with Jesus this week. If perfectionism is something that you are exhausted doing and you don't want to do it anymore, here's here's a three-step way that you can see if it works for you. Not everything works for everybody, so ⁓ and that's okay. But I hope and pray that this works for you. Step one, name where perfectionism is running the show. So find one area of your life where you are trying to be perfect. Your home, your appearance, your parenting, your work, your ministry, your walk with God. just finish the sentence. Perfectionism is running the show in my blank. You are bringing it to light and right then you're not doing anything with it except for saying this is this is where perfectionism is. Step number two expose the fear and remember God's faithfulness because exposing the fear is good but if you don't back that up with truth then the fear stays. So, what am I afraid will happen if I let this be imperfect? That's a hard one. That's a hard one. For me, speaking, people think I'm stupid. For you watching this podcast, still is in the back of my head. You're gonna think I'm stupid. ⁓ Number two, where have I seen God be faithful in this area before? ⁓ my gosh, I've gotten text messages and people have told me that They enjoy the podcast. So that is God being faithful and showing me that I'm on The first question is fear. The second question reminds you of the truth. So step number three, practice one small act of surrender. So this is moving from theory into practice. So choose a concrete way that you can be imperfect on purpose. So maybe if everything has a spot and everything has to be perfectly aligned, maybe leave something unaligned. Maybe leave the town a little bit crooked. ⁓ Don't get your bed perfect when you make it. If it's your work, don't rewrite the email 15 times. Do it once, maybe twice, and then send it. If it's your parenting, let your kids see you apologize instead of trying to be the perfect mom because you're not gonna be. And it does two things. One, it shows them what to do when they're not perfect that they can apologize. And two, it just lets them see that you're real and you're not some some person that that they want to they want to be like and they never will because they see you as perfect. That would kill me if my kids thought that they could not be a good parent or if they thought I was a perfect parent. I don't think they do, but if they thought I was a perfect parent and they tried to be me and they felt like they were falling short because I never showed them the things that I messed up on. And so Be the parent that messes up but then fixes it. If it's your walk with God, just sit with him for 10 to 15 minutes, unhurried, instead of waiting till you can do like the perfect hour and get everything done. Just say, I have these 15 minutes and I want to sit with. And then when you do that one small act, turn it into a prayer. Say something like, Jesus, I'm letting this be imperfect on purpose as an act of trust. Teach my heart that you are the one holding me together and not my performance, not my own strength. This is how you slowly retrain your heart. One small surrender over and over in the same direction. So I'm going to pray and then I'm going to tell you about next week, which is the end of our series and tell you what's coming up. So dear Jesus, I thank you for today. I thank you for ⁓ not calling us to be perfect. I thank you that you were perfect for us and everything you did on the cross took care of all of our sins and that you will walk with us through our imperfectness and you will shine there. And people will see you. And so Lord, I pray for the woman who is listening, has these perfections tendencies, who has the fear that if she does not do it perfect, that she will not be loved, that she will be less than. And Lord, I pray that she sees herself as you see her, as fearfully and wonderfully made, because you made her perfect the way she is. And the imperfections that she sees, you see them as places that you can come in and work in her life. And so Lord, I pray that she asks you to come into her life and to use those spots and then not be afraid to trust you. And Lord, I pray for the woman listening that doesn't know you. I pray that, that she heard today that she does not have to be perfect to come to you, that she can come to you the way that she is and that you love her and you want her to be part of your family and that you want to be able to walk with her. but first she has to accept the free gift of your salvation. And so Lord, I pray for her and I pray that you work on her heart. And I just pray all of these excitedly and expectantly to see what you are going to do. So thank you for staying with me today. Next week, we are closing out the series. And I think I've saved the most important part for last because after everything we've walked through together, the comparison, the body image battles, the people pleasing, the perfectionism. I wanted us to land somewhere good, somewhere hopeful because these have been heavy, heavy subjects. So next week we're going to talk about what it actually looks like to live from a place of I am enough, not because of what you do, but because of who's who's you are. It's the episode that ties everything together and I really want you there with me. So thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this hard and holy work. ⁓ I know it is hard because I'm walking through it with you, but just know that you are seen. You're not alone and there's so much hope ahead. And if you want to connect with me in the description will be a way to do that. It will be my email. It'll be my Facebook page. ⁓ It'll be my website. If you want to connect with me and tell me what's going on, I would love to hear from you. So until next time. I pray that you all have a blessed week.