People Pleasing vs. God Pleasing

The episode explores the theme of people-pleasing and the impact of performance-based worth on individuals. It emphasizes the contrast between people-pleasing and God-pleasing, highlighting the freedom and assurance found in God's love and acceptance.

Takeaways

• Performance-based worth leads to people-pleasing and a constant need for approval.
• God's love and acceptance provide freedom from the burden of people-pleasing and the assurance of worth.
• Living from a place of God-pleasing rather than people-pleasing brings freedom and authenticity.

Chapters

• 00:00 Freedom from People-Pleasing

Website:  www.hopeandhealinglifecoach.com

Email:  amydonathan@hopeandhealing.faith

Transcript

Amy Donathan: Hey friends and welcome back to Encounters of the Well. I'm Amy Donathan, your host, and I am so glad that you're here. If you were with me last week, you got to hear from my friend Jessica about our body image and aging and identity in Christ. We talked about the invisibility factor, about how we become almost invisible as we age because we don't look like we did when we were 20. ⁓ The grief that we have as women watching our bodies change and not be. who we were when we were 20 and the lies that our culture tells us about what being a valuable woman really looks like. So if you missed it, please go back and listen to it again. ⁓ It was such an honest, such a fun, ⁓ enlightening conversation with Jessica. And so since that time, I've been thinking, and I know I told you last week that ⁓ I recorded a people pleasing one and I trashed it and I did. So I'm trying it again. So you get to sit in here with me. because I know that underneath the comparison that we talked about the first week and the body image that we talked about last week, there is something deeper that runs all of that. And it's, I enough? And from the retreats that I've spoken at and the conferences that I've done, we do this thing with a cross. And I have people write on a name tag that says, hi, my name is, and they write lies they believe. And then they take that name tag and they take it to the cross and they put it on the cross to lay it down at Jesus. And I cannot tell you how many women put, am I enough? I am not enough. I am not good enough. I am not smart enough. I'm not a good enough mom, a good enough wife. And all of that comes from the world we live in because the world we live in tells us that for us to be enough, it depends on our performance. If we do the homework and we study, we get good grades. If we do good work, we get a raise. If we work out enough, we get the body. We get the praise. Social media is all about getting likes and getting follows. And another part of that is making sure that everybody's happy. So we try to be everybody, everything for everybody. And we have to keep all of these plates spinning. And maybe if we do enough, we'll be enough and we'll finally feel okay and we'll feel comfortable on who we are and we'll feel confident. And that is a lie. And today we're gonna talk about that lie because the world says that if we are agreeable, if we are a good girl, if we are a hard worker, if we are a team player, ⁓ that's where we will get our approval and that's when we'll feel okay. But there will never be enough of that. And so we people please all the time to try to make ourselves feel like enough. And sometimes, you know, when we think about that and for reasons that we do it, we think that we're just caring about people. And that probably is true. You probably really do care about people and you probably really do want to be that really good friend and be that really good wife and be that really good worker at church or at your job. But We can overdo that. We can do it to where we are saying yes to things that we shouldn't. And we are giving things that aren't good for that other person because we want their approval so bad. And so for the next 15 minutes or so, just come with me on this journey to find out about people pleasing versus God pleasing. Because one thing that I want you to get out of this so much that your worth is not bound up in how well you perform. Your worth has already been settled. It was settled at the cross over 2,000 years ago and there is no amount of performing that you could do that could add one ounce to what Jesus did and that friends is what I want you to know. What I want you to realize as we go through this and if you see yourself as a people pleaser that you don't have to do it anymore. from what said earlier, we live in a performance-based world. From the time we are little, if you make good grades, you got money. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Our children sometimes need good motivation to ⁓ do the that we know that they can do. But in that we also get this, I do good things, I get good things. Or if I do good things, I get more love. ⁓ If we make the team, if we make the grade, if we get the promotion, if we get the likes on our social media, I'll never forget when my son was little and I posted a picture of him, all he was asking, like, how many people liked it? How many people commented on it? What did they say? What did they do? And to me, that hurt my mom a heart that he was so consumed with what people thought that that's all he talked about. And so our worth is is told to us that it is all from our performance, all from how many likes we have, all from how many followers we have, and that we have to just keep, keep, keep earning it. And so we say yes to things that we know we should say no to. We say yes to things that we know that we don't have room for in plans or in our calendar. We apologize for having an opinion. We volunteer for things that we do not have the capacity for because it seems like the good thing to do and somebody asked us to do it and to be a good Christian that's what you do. ⁓ You may like give somebody your answer to something and you see their face kind of do a thing and so you change your answer because you don't want to disappoint them and you don't want to let them down and you don't want them to think something about you. ⁓ You water down yourself because you feel like you're too much and you don't want to make anybody uncomfortable. It's all performing for love, all performing for that acceptance from other people. And I can tell you friend, having been a people pleaser and still sometimes am, It's exhausting to perform at church and at work and at home and your marriage and on social media. It is exhausting to not be able to not always be on. And so I always, it always makes me think of the circus act where the clown is trying to keep all the plates spinning all the time. And so one plate is, you know, being the good wife and being the good mom and And you know, I remember when my kids were little and they would have parties and like always wanting to be the mom that took in the cupcakes and always wanted to be the mom that was in there and doing the things. And part of it, yes, it was because I wanted those memories for my children and I wanted to be a part of that with them. But part of it, to be honest, was so people would see me and then they would say, ⁓ she's a good mom. Because I know that when my kids would misbehave or they would do something, I would that wasn't right, I would think that I was a bad mom. And so I would think people were thinking that of me. And so all of the things that I did, yes, they had some part in really caring about my kids because I do love them so much. And I had such a good time when they were little and were doing all those things. But part of it really did come into what do people think? Am I making them happy? Am I showing them that I'm a good mom? And so when you can't, when you have to say no in that of being that good mom or that good wife or that good employee wobbles and falls, we feel like a failure. All of our worth is tied up in what we do and when that happens, when something fails and it will, we feel like a failure. We feel like that we are not good. We feel like that we are not worthy and we start believing that all of these things are really who we are and it's not who we are. It's what we do. And so comparison, when we do that from, you know, episode one, it does whisper, you're not enough. And when we get older, the mirror echoes that. We look in the mirror and we're like, we do not have the body we had when we were 20 or 25 or 30. ⁓ And so people pleasing is how we try to outrun that. we try to become whatever we think will finally make us enough in someone else's eyes. And friend, I can tell you, like I've told you before, there is never enough things to do. You could be the president, but there's always something more that you could do because you're only president for maybe eight years. And then what? Then who are you? And so remember this in Romans 5, 8, it says, but God demonstrates his own love for us in this. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. So if we contrast that with what the world says, the world says that you must perform your re-worthy. This verse shows us that Jesus says we were already worth dying for. He looked at us and he says, in all your good, in all your bad, in all your ugly, I don't care, I love you, the essence of you. I see your potential. see what you can do. And I love you so much that I will come and pay this price that you could never pay because I love you. And that settles it. He said on the cross, it is finished. Not it is I did my part and now you do your part. He said it is finished. And in reality, that should settle our worth that he loved us so much that he did that. but the world does not want us to stay there. The world wants to feed us lies. And so we have this fear ⁓ that we will never be enough. And we have this fear that if we stop, even knowing that Jesus died for us on the cross and he saw us as worthy and ⁓ he saw us as the joy set before him, even that We still do it because we are so terrified that if we stop performing that we will be seen as we really are and we will be rejected for it. That people won't want to be part of our lives. And just know that people pleasing isn't always kindness. Yes, there can be kindness in it, but it is a frantic effort to earn what Christ has already given us for free. That acceptance, that being enough, we already have it as his children. ⁓ But we forget that and so we want to be accepted by so many people and some people want to be accepted by everybody and that is not a thing. But we are frankly trying to earn it and we already have it. And like we talked about before, the world reinforces this by grades and raises and status and likes. And they say, perform well and this is what you get. I can't tell you how many emails I get about being a podcaster or a coach that ⁓ tell me like, okay, well, you need this many people and you need this many people to like it you need this many people to see it. And trying to just be in that grind every day to get it done. And finally, I just say, no, I don't want to do that. But I get reinforced. That idea gets reinforced every single day in my email box. And unfortunately, this carries over to church culture too. We had a big thing at church one time and it was on my birthday weekend, like my 50th birthday weekend. So it was a big deal. And I knew my husband was going to do something. He didn't tell me. He's really good at surprise parties. And so somebody asked me if I was going to do it. And I said, no, because it's my birthday weekend and I'm pretty sure that my husband has something planned. And they said, well, what could be better than serving Jesus on your birthday? and the guilt that hit me so hard right then was so bad and I felt like I needed to do it. I still didn't but church can make us feel guilty and I'm not saying don't serve at your church. I serve at my church whenever I find a spot that that fits me and that I feel God leading me to do and I have served in church since I started going to church when I was 20, 21. But that doesn't mean I say yes to everything. That means I say yes to some things and no to some things. But sometimes in church you get that answer. Well, it doesn't matter what you need or what you have or what you can do. You should do it anyway. And Jesus wasn't like that. The gospel and Jesus's life was totally different than that. ⁓ Our gospel says Jesus already did everything. Other... religions say do. Do these things, follow these rules, perform these acts, and maybe you'll be accepted. Christianity says it is done. It is finished. We don't have to do to be accepted. We just have to know that Jesus already did it and we have to accept it. He already paid the price and we just have to accept it. So in 2 Corinthians 521 it says, made him who had no sin to be sin for us so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. Wow. What a great exchange. Jesus had no sin, but he became sin. for us so we could have his righteousness, his goodness. And no amount of performance that we can do can make him love us any more than he already does. And no amount of failure makes him love us any less. He just loves us. And in Galatians 2.20 it says, I have been crucified with Christ that I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. the life I now live in the body. live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. Let that sink in. Take a moment. He loved you and he gave himself for you. Personal, specific. That's who you are. You are somebody who is loved by Jesus so much that he came and died for you. That is who you are. So let's look at what God pleasing is. We just looked at what people pleasing is. Let's look at what God pleasing is. And let's look at what it's not. God pleasing is not trying to earn his approval because we can't do that on our own. ⁓ did that for us. We don't have to do that. It's already been done. It's not always saying no or being harsh or being cold or being selfish. It's not performing for God instead of performing for people. So you're not trying to perform to get all the good tally marks in the good side for God. But this is what it is, and this is the difference. The world tells us that we have to perform for love, that love is conditional on what we do and how good we are. The gospel tells you to live from love. You don't obey God to make him love you. You obey him because he already does love you. And that should change everything. I always tell the story of my Sunday school teacher, Gail. who she was amazing and she was so loving and she would just tell you the truth straight out and but she would do it so lovingly and I tell you that if she asked me to clean her toilet with my toothbrush I would say okay when do want me to do it because I loved her so much I would do anything I wouldn't even have to ask why she wanted me to clean her toilet with my toothbrush I would just do it and that is how we do things for God is we do it because he loves us. We do it because we understand the gravity of what he did for us so we could be in his family. And that's why we do it. Just like I would have cleaned Gail's toilet with my toothbrush, I would do anything for God because he did everything for me. So I'm a therapist. I like to give tools to people. So here's a tool for you. ⁓ You have to notice when you're people pleasing and a lot of times that shows up as kind of shape-shifting. Being one version of yourself with a friend and another version of yourself with a family member and another version of yourself at church and another version of yourself at work. It's exhausting trying to be those many people. And eventually you forget who you really are because you're trying to be so many people for so trying to be a certain person for so many other people. that you just are different all the time and you don't know who you really are or what you really like because with one person you might like pepperoni pizza but with these people over here they don't like pepperoni they like sausage so you eat sausage people you don't eat sausage people you eat sausage pizza and again it's like those plates they just keep spinning and you keep running and eventually they crash because nobody was made to live like that And so we have to put in boundaries. And boundaries are biblical, Jesus had them. ⁓ But the first thing you do is you catch yourself trying to be different for different people. And when you do that, you come back to scripture and you say, what does God say about this? What does God really say about me? And then you have to do the hardest part because sometimes when you decide to be who God calls you to be, instead of who everybody else wants you to be, you have to sit with the fact that you're not going to be invited to everyone's table. And that is hard coming from a people pleasing background. That is so hard to let go of not everybody's gonna like you. But that's okay. Not everybody like Jesus. and he was okay with that. He didn't change who he was. He didn't sit at everybody's table, but he loved deeply. He loved sacrificially. He said no. He withdrew from crowds and he went to pray. Even when there are so many things for him to do, he left the crowds and went to pray. And he didn't change. He stayed true to who God called him to be. In Galatians 1 10 it helps us out. says, ⁓ I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Paul drew the line. You can't have two masters. You can't try to be what everybody wants you to be and be who God calls you to be. You have to make the decision of which one you're going to do and know that God will help you. Philippians 2 13 it says for it is God who is at work in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure You don't have to do this on your own God will help you if you decide to do and be who he calls you to be So for so long, I lived as a people pleaser and I still do sometimes. I try not to, but sometimes if I'm with certain people, I will be a little bit different. But I hope that if you met me on the street, this is who you would see. ⁓ And I always thought that made me a good Christian to be the good wife and the good mom and the good friend. And those things are not bad in and of themselves, but it's the reason behind why you do what you do to be those things. and I was always living a performance-based life. Like my story about taking the cupcakes in, part of it was so people would see me and see what I do. And I was trying to earn something that had already been freely given to me. Jesus knew everything if you go back and you hear my story, you know what a train wreck my life was and Jesus saw that before it even happened and said I love you and I want you so I'm gonna die on a cross from you and then your train wreck of a life I'm going to use it. He saw that he did that that's where my worth comes from because he loves me so much and he loves you he sees you. good, bad, ugly, the decisions that you made that you are so ashamed of, the decisions that were made against you that hurt you. But through all that and despite all of that, if you know Jesus, He has you. You are worthy because He loves you, because you are His. He saw you and said, I want her. I love her. I will die for her because she cannot pay back this debt that she owes, but I will pay it because I love her. and that's what I want you to know. People, when you know this, people pleasing loses its power. You don't feel the need to do it anymore because you're not scrambling to earn your worth or earn their approval because you already have the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords approval and love. And so you can just let your plates fall. And I can tell you having done that, being my real authentic self, All my good, bad, ugly goofiness is so freeing when you don't have to care. And I can promise you that God will bring you the people that will speak into your life, that will be your friends, that you can be your real self with. And you don't have to try to earn that approval. And you can live from a place where you already know you have it. You have God's approval. And your worth has been settled by Jesus' blood. And everything else is finished. So I want to pray for you as we close out today. ⁓ If you see yourself in this, send me a line. My email will be ⁓ at the end of this ⁓ podcast description. And send me a line. Let me know where you are. If you want to talk more about it, go to hopeandhealinglifecoach.com and hop on one of the ⁓ coaching sessions where we can go farther with this and we can work with this. if ⁓ you like this give it a like, give it a follow. ⁓ Come on this journey with me about talking about things that maybe we don't always about in and maybe it's a deep down hurt or insecurity that you have dealt with. that now is coming to light that you can let it go. But again, if you want to reach out to me, reach out to my email and shoot me a line and we'll have a conversation. So let's pray. Dear Jesus, I thank you for today. I thank you for this opportunity to tell others that they do not have to perform to get your love, that you are so opposite of everything else in this world. that you love us because you created us. And that's all. And you loved us so much that you sent your son to die for us so we could be yours, so we could be in your family, so we could be adopted as daughters. Lord, help that penetrate these women's minds and hearts and help them to really know, fill them with your assurance that you love them. No matter what they have done in their past, no matter what they are doing at present, no matter what they're going to do in the future, that you love them and your blood paid our sin debt and that our worth is in you and not in how well we perform. For the woman who has listened to this and doesn't know you, Lord, I pray that she comes to know you, that she knows that, and she probably already does, that she is a sinner. but she knows that you came and were born of a virgin, lived, died on a cross and rose again to conquer sin and conquer the grave. And so her sins, how bad she thinks they are, have been covered and all she has to do is accept you and your love and your forgiveness. And everything after that comes from loving you. And I just thank you so much Lord for all that you have done. and I pray expectantly to see all that you're going to do. And I pray these things in your name, amen. I hope you guys enjoyed this and I will see you next week where we're going to talk about perfectionism. I will see you next time.